


i can't lose another life

by hannahhsolo



Series: as long as i'm here [2]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:47:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22599583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahhsolo/pseuds/hannahhsolo
Summary: “Take me home.”And he will, he’ll take him wherever he wants to go, wherever he wants to be, as long as he’s being somewhere.Steve wishes Billy saw himself differently.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Series: as long as i'm here [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1625593
Comments: 3
Kudos: 49





	i can't lose another life

**Author's Note:**

> this is the second ficlet i wrote, again this has suicidal themes so please DO NOT READ if that could in any way be a trigger for you.  
> you are loved.

Maybe he’s a glutton for punishment. Or maybe it isn’t about him, it’s something he’s pushed down for too long, that he’s been afraid of revealing to the world and to himself. Maybe it doesn’t mean all that much. Maybe he just loves him and that’s all there is to it. So whilst he’s here, on this Earth and in his arms, he’ll take that. 

“Take me home.” 

And he will, he’ll take him wherever he wants to go, wherever he wants to be, as long as he’s being  _ somewhere. _ He carries him home that night, all the way. His weight is reassuring, solid and unchanging, despite what's happening within, they never lose contact, he doesn’t want to feel any distance, never again.

He carries him until they’re in bed, between sheets and between lives. He wonders if the tears will ever stop.

He tells him about his day, about Dustin and the arcade and how Mrs Gillespie yelled at him for parking in front of her driveway. He tells him, without any words, that he's here and that no one can hurt him.

He tells him that he  _ loves  _ him. That this life  _ loves  _ him and he’s precious, more precious to him than the whole of the cosmos. Because this life would not be this life if it wasn’t for him. He isn’t sure if he believes anything he’s saying, but that’s okay. The more he says it the more he’ll start to.

He cradles him like a child, took his head between his chest and hands and let him breathe him in. If he could give Billy a little of his life to keep him here, he would. And that's what he’ll do.

“I’m sorry…” It’s been hours and those are the first words that escape from his throat. They wind around him and choke him out.

_ Sorry can’t save me now. _

Maybe it can.

“I know, baby. Me too.” His apology is meant from everything, that this life has been cruel to Billy Hargrove and he deserves an apology. His apology means that will change, that no-one is allowed to make him feel this way anymore. They’ll protect each other from the blur of it all. The terrifying uncertainty.

His nonsense chokes him too, now. He can’t avoid the topic, he can’t let it fester under the surface to get infected and worsen.

“I’m here.” His grip tightens. He says it out loud, just in case, he wants to be leaned on, he wants to help him, and as much as he can’t solve all of Billy’s problems, he can hold his hand through it all.

“It’s not fair, Steve.” His voice is  _ wrecked.  _

“I know, baby.”

_ Why did I get this life? _

It isn’t spoken but it’s there, more present than the bruises on his cheeks.

Words are erupting from him without any second thought, he can’t stop the current.

“If I could...god dammit Billy...if I could change the way you see yourself.”

His teeth are gritted and his words are muffled by Billy’s curls but the vibrations between them tell the story of his thoughts.

A tilt of his head their meeting of eyes.

“You deserve so much more than you give yourself.”

Their gazes cling to each other just as hard as their arms do. Like they might die if they let go. And they really might.

They both had these days, days where Billy would scream, Steve wouldn’t eat, Billy would press deeper into his bruises and Steve would sink further away from the world. Billy’s days had gotten worse though, and he’s afraid one of these days he won’t be there to pull him off the edge.

They’re both so scared, but what scares him the most is Billy, is what Billy thinks about himself, is that sometimes Billy doesn’t want to be Billy anymore.

And that’s Steve’s worst nightmare. A world without Billy in it. It’s just a shame that isn’t Billy’s worst nightmare, but a very real possibility.

“I don’t deserve you, Stevie.”

There’s a lightness, unexpected but warm, a low grumble that tells him his Billy might be back for a while. There isn’t a drop of energy left in their combined bodies but somehow Steve’s cheeks pulled into a smile.

“Yes you do.”

**Author's Note:**

> love u guys, stay safe x


End file.
